Inspiration Not Condemnation
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AN: Toby and CJ friendship/relationship thing. It’s kind of crap, but it’s taking up space.

He’d scream for them – if only to make them stop bleeding.

He’d scream and tear at the world. He’d rip up the Bill of Rights; he’d take a lawn mower to the Declaration. He’d make the Magna Carta a freakin’ paper snowflake if he had to.

Because they were only words and words were washed under by blood.

"Did you hear what happened?"

He scratched his head, a cliché action by Tobias terms. "Yeah, I’m trying to ignore it."

She snorted softly, watching his hand fly scrawl over a legal pad. With a breath CJ stepped into his office, trying to glance to the words he was writing.

"You can’t ignore things like this, Toby."

"The Wailing Wall." His murmur was deep, "The tried to blow up the damn wall Claudia."

She watched his eyes flicker up to her in pain. After a heaving breath he chewed his lip, and she just wanted to stroke his cheek. It was all she wanted to do.

Just to make him feel better, make him feel warm.

A suicidal fundamentalist had made him feel cold, and she could feel the frigid temperature radiate from his skin. It slipped a cool mood over her as well. The hell with suicide bombers. They wouldn’t have him.

"I know." She answered finally, leaning over the table, pulling the pen from his fingers. Her hand smoothed over the legal pad and she dropped her eyes to it. She found angry words of condemnation.

Words that her Toby had stopped using…a long time ago.

"Start over." She whispered, flipping the page back and handing him the blank pad. He ground out a growl in her direction as she placed the pen back in his fingers.

"Inspiration and not condemnation, Toby." She whispered, slowly backing out of his office.

"It’s my wall, Claudia Jean," he whispered, "I can condemn them if I want."

She paused for a breath, "I understand that we don’t agree on God, but I would think that he still has the monopoly on judgment."

"CJ - "

"And it’s not your wall," she started to close his door as she spoke, "It’s God’s."

"It’s the Gate of Tears."

Donna blinked up at his murmur, her hands stilling on the paperwork. She set the folders to the desk, easing to face her boss fully.

"You okay?" she asked slowly, a hand going to her stomach, the other reaching out to his arm.

"Yeah." His eyes were across the office on a spot unknown. He swallowed a thick breath, slowly drawing his eyes to her pale blue ones. "Just…confused."

"Why’s it called that?" she asked, her hands nudging him to his chair.

Josh let her move him slowly, resting into the seat behind his desk. He relaxed back, watching her sit on the edge of the desk.

"The Gate of Tears?" he smiled weakly, "Because…I think it’s in the Talmud. When the Temple was destroyed…there was only one Gate to heaven left open. Only one…the wall. The Wailing Wall."

"It’s beautiful." She murmured softly, her eyes matching his with a small smile.

Josh nodded, sending her a sigh, "Yeah. It is."

Shema Yisroel, Ado-nay Elo-heinu, Ado-nay Echad.
Baruch shaym kavod mal-chuso li-olam va-ed

He sighed, dropping the pen and sliding it away. He shuddered another breath and glanced up, finding the office nearly dark. The door was still closed, the windows covered and dark.

With a breath he stood, moving out of the office, leaving the words scratched onto the paper. He made the quick steps to the Deputy Chief of Staff’s office, leaning in the doorway slowly. Josh met his eyes quietly, a blank glance between them.

"You say the Shema?" he queried softly.

Josh rose slowly, eyes lost almost as he ran his finger across his neck. "Not yet…you?"

"Wrote it down," he half smirked, "That count?"

Josh snorted, "Doubtful."

There was a long stint of silence between them.

"You gonna?" Josh asked, with all the airs of a child. Toby nodded in return, sliding his hands together slowly. He chewed his lip in thought.

"Yeah, I’m gonna stop and talk to CJ first."

"Okay," the other man bent half a smile, "Temple?"

Ziegler nodded with a knowing glance, half a smile, "Yeah."

She’d told him to write inspiration, without realizing he couldn’t write without a muse. Something had to catch his attention, had to trap his mind. Something with passion and truth. Something hopeful.

He wasn’t hopeful.

Because as much as he loved words, people were still washing the world in blood.

And words weren’t gonna stop it.

"Come with me."

She glanced up quickly, pulling her glasses off as he glanced to her softly from the doorway. CJ drew a breath and rested her hands on her desk.

"Where?"

"Temple." He murmured.

"I’m not - "

He stopped her with a hand, "Inspiration has no religious denomination, I don’t care if you’re Jewish or not. CJ come with me."

She smiled small, her eyes matching his, "Okay."

He whispered the words softly, and told her in the quiet temple how to say them. How to move, where to step. He moved her body with his hands, shifting her steps with his. It was a personal drama, his fingers easing her into the scene. She tossed him a shy smile, her fingers rubbing up his arm as he drew a heavy breath.

They slid into the temple in silence, their bodies moving into the open room with ease. Toby drew a heavy breath, recognizing the feel of the wood under his feet. Knowing the smell of the place. He turned to her, blinking softly, recalling an unknown memory.

"Shema Yisroel, Ado-nay Elo-heinu, Ado-nay Echad." His whisper was close to her, his eyes refusing the others who had entered the temple.

He sighed softly, drawing her hands up in his, closing his eyes. He felt her lean in, her forehead pressing his. His breath shuddered when she pressed a soft kiss to his forehead in support. He swallowed.
"Baruch shaym kavod mal-chuso li-olam va-ed." He finished softly.

He glanced up while he spoke the rest, murmuring the known prayer with confidence. She watched him, her fingers wrapped in his as he shivered. He kept speaking, well known words echoing between them as she smiled in warm support. When he finished the prayer she closed her eyes, a soft sigh on her lips.

"Go ahead and finish." She spoke softly, looking back down, "I’ll wait in the back."

Toby shook his head fast, holding her fingers in his tightly. "No, I’m done."

"Toby."

"I’m done." He demanded, swallowing hard.

CJ nodded with a sigh, "Okay…come with me."

"Where?" he questioned, slowly drawing her towards the large doors.

She smirked softly, "Mass."

"You missed Mass."

She smirked, "Then just come to the cathedral with me."

"Okay."

"You don’t have to do this." She smirked softly, her finger dipping in the water, drawing the cross over her chest with the liquid of her fingertips. He watched her pause in the doorway, blinking her eyes closed for a moment.

Toby just smiled, watching and following as she made quick steps into the cathedral, her heels clicking across the marble. With a sigh he caught the sound resounding off the walls. He studied the gilded pews, watching as she bent fast before the altar with another cross and eyes slipped closed. There were few other people there, tucked into their pews.

"Come here." She offered a hand, heading off to the side of the sanctuary.

Toby took her fingers, following slowly with a breath. She drew him to the side wing of the cathedral. He blinked at the candles flickering softly, hundreds beside each other, casting a glow on the marble.

He watched her pause, pulling her fingers from his to dump cash into the small box, grabbing a candle and lighting it carefully. She kneeled again softly for a moment, drawing a breath and stilling softly. He watched her eyes slide closed, lips murmuring a prayer of her own, silent but there none the less.

He couldn’t help but smile as she whispered words. After a brief moment she stood, pulling his hands into hers, matching the same stance they’d had earlier in the temple. Toby swallowed hard, not sure of what she was doing. With a breath she smiled to him, her eyes matching his browns.

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you." Toby smiled warmly as she spoke her own tumbled prayer. He felt how warm it was coming off her lips. "Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb."

He dropped his eyes with hers, pressing his forehead to hers softly with a breath. He squeezed her fingers warmly in support as she continued.

"Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death." She murmured softly, her cheek moving to press against his.

They held a breath together, and he leaned in softly, pressing a gentle kiss to her lips. CJ watched him softly, a blank glance on her face. He blinked, unsure of the action he’d taken. Finally she smiled, brushing her fingers on his cheek.

"Inspiration and not condemnation Toby." She whispered.

He smiled back, tugging her closer; "Well I’m inspired."

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